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Rogue

[ website | Feel with your soul ]
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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
Live. Love. Believe. [23 Feb 2005|06:46pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I know I haven't written here in quite a long time. My emotions have been playing with me and most of the time I'm down. I find that when I'm down I spend a lot of time to myself writing. That lady I met in Los Angeles came to visit me here in Florida. She and I had a few days together that were just blissful. Then we had two days before she left that were painful. Things happened between us that was beautiful, but I don't think beauty gets to her. She let what happened come between us, she's made it out to be something dirty. She's very selfish, she won't let me tell her how I feel about things. She only interrupts me and tells me how she feels. Everything with her is either black or white, she knows no gray. She loves to wallow in her sorrow, she's likes the pain she feels. And I can't tell with that, I don't want to deal with that.

My nerves are going haywire, the stress in my life is killing me. I think I have an ulcer, I'll know more tomorrow after some tests are done. My stomach hurts almost all the time, I'm finding it hard to release my emotions, the feelings have been bottling up and exploding in my belly. Live is so much easier when you have love in your life. Maybe one I'll have that again.

Tour starts in May and even though that's 2 months away I'm preparing now. I look forward to getting out of the country and away from all my problems.

I had a poem I wanted to share but I deleted it. The time isn't right to share such feelings.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[09 Feb 2005|03:12pm]
[deleted by mistake, long story sorry]
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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[04 Feb 2005|12:36pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I've been so busy since I got back from Los Angeles that I haven't had time to seat down and post anything. I'm making myself take a few deep breaths and forget my problems for the time being. I'm posting now which is a good start.

Jess and I are close but I think going our separate ways romantically is the best thing for us. Neither one of us is happy, but until now we didn't know how to get ourselves to look at one another differently. Things will be hard for awhile, until we get use to the new us. But the future always holds promise and that I have to remember.

The person I met in Los Angeles is coming for a visit. She's taking a vacation away from her world to enter into mine. I have things planned for us to do. I'm going to take a break myself and enjoy the time with her. I have no idea what's in store but whatever it is it should prove interesting.

Last night I got to see Chris DJ, he's good. The crowd danced and he did a little too. I'm proud of him.

I'm out of things to say at the moment but if I get a chance to post again while Steph is here I will.

Stay true.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
I forgot to add. [24 Jan 2005|12:32am]
[ mood | sad ]

On a sad note:

I received an email from a girl in Israel recently. Apparently there was a CXS tribute band there, until two of its members were killed in a terrorist attack. We hear about things on the news, and they seem meaningless, distant, & unreal. For some reason this is real to me. it is terrible, horrific, and it hurts. I have always wanted to change the world with my music, and to give hope to people through lyrics and melodies. I guess it is painful to know that someone whose life was touched by you, in whatever way, fell victim to such stupid and narrow-minded extremism. I guess if their deaths lead to awareness that saves even a single life, then even a seemingly meaningless death is not without positive impact. May it be so. My prayers will find you present. Never lose hope.


I just wanted to share that.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
Bitter sweet homecomings [23 Jan 2005|09:43pm]
[ mood | tired ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Stephanie. I know it's a day early but just in case something came up I didn't want you to think I forgot, I bet you didn't even know I knew.

Thank you for a nice weekend, it was interesting but I did enjoy it.

I left you something in the guestroom, I hope you like them. Don't look until tomorrow.


I got on a plane at seven this morning and pointed east as the way home. I'm there now, the house feels strange, Jess isn't herself but she's trying. I missed my animals, I missed the way my place smells and most of all I missed my own bed. I'm sitting here taking in deep cleansing breaths, trying to calm my heart rate, it feels like it's about to beat out of my chest. I missed Jess too, it's hard for me to say that because so much is changing and I'm lost in a forest of the unknown. I don't what we mean to one another, I'm lost not knowing what the future holds for us. My hope is she'll remain my best friend but the odds are against us.



If I don't stop talking about my homecoming I'll cry so I'll talk about my weekend instead. Okay after a few more cleansing breaths I've decided not to touch too much on the weekend. So much has happened, so much that I can't even begin to describe. I think I read people pretty well; but she blows my mind and leaves me confused. I've just met her, I had no intentions on getting to know her, and no means did I plan on becoming close with her. Things occurred; we kept being drawn to one another. All I can say is that she did something that I'm not sure how to read. Should I run for my life, or should I reach out and ask what her intent is?

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
amazing things happen when you get up early. [21 Jan 2005|01:03pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I woke up this morning and called the new friend I met a few nights ago. I asked her if she knew of any place cheaper to stay, the place I was at bled me try. A simple question with a surprising answer. She invited me to stay at her house, she told me that she had an empty guest room that I could take if I wanted. I said yes, which surprised me.

She came and picked me up, dropped me off at her place with a spare key and left saying she would be back later. She's putting a lot of trust in me, why would she do that? She has only just met me. I turned on my computer pleasantly surprised to find she has a wireless connection. I'm surfing around, posting this and waiting for her to show up. I think I may take my last few dollars and take her out for a thank you dinner, that is if she'll let me. Better yet maybe she'll let me cook her something, even though I'm not a great cook. I'm at a loss for words and that doesn't come often. I'm taken back by this lady, may the God's help me.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[20 Jan 2005|06:17pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Going to stay in Los Angeles through the weekend. Let us see what happens. Monday I go home to face the world.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[20 Jan 2005|10:42am]
[ mood | Creative, blue and hungry ]

Los Angeles has been interesting; but it's time to go home. I met a new friend and got to spend some time with her. I'm not sure if the friendship will grow beyond anything other than sharing some words and talking about history. I was thankful for the company, my trip here was more enjoyable because of the time spent with her. The differences between she and I may keep a wall between us and the friendship may not grow for that reason. I'd like to stay and get to know her better; I don't know why I feel that way.

I have other reasons to go home. #1. The bus is still broken down and Jessica and I really need to deal with that. No bus means no touring or traveling around. #2 I'm broke and the hotel I'm in is bleeding me dry. #3 I should have another talk with Jessica about the future of us as a couple now that she's had time to think about things. #$4 I can't think of a number four.

Jessica loves me for being a dreamer, what happens when the dreamer has nothing else to dream about? I hope this is a phase and I hope she and I can manage to overcome this. If not as lovers than as friends. I don't know what's wrong with me. I left home in search of something within myself; but I'm not sure what that something is.


Written wordCollapse )

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[18 Jan 2005|11:38pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I met this lady and she's like I've said before nothing like me; but at the same time is. We met on Sunday, had drinks on Monday and still I don't know her phone number. I could get in touch with her via Live Journal but I won't. I get the feeling that even though we get along and have things in common I make her feel uncomfortable. Why would a lady of her caliber want to hang out with me? I find myself to be normal, others like me would agree. We may be unlike the majority, but that's only because we don't dance the masquerade that they do.

I like this lady, I feel some sort of alliance with her. Maybe I'm better off going back home now. Tuesday night and I'm staying in. Maybe tomorrow I'll hit the streets and find another bar to read a little poetry in

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[18 Jan 2005|11:17am]
[ mood | tired ]

Can sleepless nights, or days in my case mean something good? Or is it always a case of something terrible or unsettling going on in your life? Granted there's things happening in my personal life that's hitting me hard. I'm breaking up with someone who for years was my best friend. But until recently I could sleep. I'm not awake thinking of dread, and that's what has me confused.
I'll post something more when I done analyzing myself.



"there's something in her walk, her smile which is mostly fake. there's something in her voice when I say just the right thing, there's something I can't quite see."

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
The book of life. [17 Jan 2005|08:51pm]
[ mood | amiss ]

Jess called this afternoon; there's still tears, she's melancholy. I feel like the villain in this book that's my life. I'm mournful. I expect things to get better but I'm unsure when that will be. We conversed back and forth but afterwards I was spent. My neck is stiff and I have a headache. I feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I feel this tug to leave, find someone but I resist. I need to shield myself from myself.


"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[17 Jan 2005|12:01pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I went out last night and ended up staying out until right before sunrise. I'm a night person so being out that late was normal for me, 2 nights in a row I stayed out until the next day began. I should still be sleeping but I forgot to put the do not disturb sign out so I was awaken by house keeping. Maybe I'll see what the morning here can offer me, maybe another walk, maybe sightseeing.

I met an actress last night, her name was Stephanie and I know she was on the show Angel, I know this because my ex-girlfriend was a big fan. I wish I knew her last name, she didn't offer it and I didn't ask. She's an interesting lady; I saw in her something I don't like to see in people though. As I look around me people are shattered, broken mirrors of what they once were. The pieces are on the ground at their feet and when they have to look down the past shares back up at them. I see the horror of that, the memory of what so many need to find hide away; I see it on their faces. I saw it on hers last night and I was drawn.

I had breakfast with her; I think having breakfast at 4 am with a total stranger can be pretty rejuvenating. We talked about history, mostly ancient history. She asked me questions about my music, I recited to her lyrics and she listened, really listened. I promised to send her some CDs, I teased her about being so poor and said she should really just buy them so I can eat dinner next week, we laughed. I'll send her the CDs when I get back home; it's not every day you get to have breakfast with an actress and a pretty one at that.

We ended breakfast with a good bye; I don’t know much about her. She doesn’t know much about me, other than this and that. No phone numbers were exchanged, only a mailing address for the cds. She knows where I’m staying because it came up in when we were talking. I doubt I ever see her again.

I wonder what adventure will find me today.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[16 Jan 2005|08:03pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I flew into Los Angeles a few days ago, I need to take care of some personal matters and visit an old friend or two. Los Angeles isn't one of my favorite places but it's not one of the worse either. I would have rather spent the money flying to some other city, somewhere where memories are pleasant and the people friendly, but I came here for a reason and I'll make the best of it.

A concert last night was right up my alley it helped my mood. Few fans but the ones there were delightful. You could tell that they honestly loved being there, they created a level of energy that made you want to get up and dance. Jeff the lead singer of the band I saw helped with that energy, he knows just how to get the crowd going. The night ended with hugs and well wishes from long time friends.

Today was spent walking around Santa Monica, it's nice to see so much sun after hearing about all the rain. The few shops I went into people were talking about it, seems to be the talk of the town. I'm at the hotel now, I'm sitting here trying to decide what it is I should do. I'm cruising through this entertainment magazine I found today seeing if I can find myself a hole in the wall place for some poetry, or any place to fit in and relax.

I had this absolutely absurd dream last night, or maybe it wasn't so absurd but anyway here's what the dream was about.

I dreamt that Rachel called and asked to come over, I was shocked because she was spending the evening with her boyfriend. She showed up and told me right out that she was leaving the band. My mouth dropped and I said to her that she couldn't do this, not now not after Chris leaving just a short time ago. She started to talk, went through this long thing about friends, time and family but I phased her out. My mind started to race, I thought about all I could do to cover for her and Chris. Working in the studio I could so all the violin, I could pre-record it all, then in concert run the tracks like in the old days. I ran a million thoughts through my head in a short time frame. Then I thought even though we pre-record so much we couldn't replace her, not Rachel. I started to panicked, I woke up in a sweat. I guess Chris' leaving has affected me more than I knew.

But a dream is only a dream, right I'm awake looking for something to do so let me get back to it.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[08 Jan 2005|01:30pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

"and she said.."

I don't have much to post about this too warm for winter afternoon but I'll give it a go.

I hope everyone is sending positive thoughts in the direction of all the people in need in Asia. What a terrible thing to have happen. My heart goes out to them all, I don't know how I would handle such a thing. My girlfriend and I were just watching a report on what happened, interviews and pictures and video, our hearts just ache and we both cried a few tears.

When my grandfather died I cried, I lost someone so close to me, I still cry once in awhile when I think of memories. But the tears this morning watching that report were different. I cried for all the people I love and the thought of losing them in such a horrible way, cried at the thought of mothers and fathers losing their children and the children who are now without anyone. The tears were for the people.

Send money if you can, if you can't send prayers.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[19 Dec 2004|08:23pm]
[ mood | restless ]

I hate waiting for the phone to ring. I don't use hate often it's such a powerful word, a, I'm against hate on every level but when it comes to waiting for news to come that's very important, when you feel frozen without it I can use the word. I feel as if I'm living in a torment, living without breath. My lungs feel the pain, my mind is swarming, drowning if you will. I'm waiting, news please come forth, I require you to live.

Ich warten

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
Thank you [18 Dec 2004|04:37pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

There's a line in my song, "Dance Floor Metaphor" that goes like this. "When life is shallow and the living's fast. Making love for things that'll never last. Forget your heart, forget your past. And live inside the moment". I truly think that states my moods on this present day.

So getting away from the mood I am currently in I'd like to thank a few fans out there for a few gifts that I received in the mail. I wasn't the best boy today for opening things that were wrapped in the most beautiful of wrappings but I did open two things upon waking this morning.

Jeananne: I think you for the lazy let me spend my day doing nothing pants with "Let Me Alone" written all over them. The pants are black with "Leave me alone" written all over them in white, their soft and I absolutely love them.

Raven: I think you for the t-shirt. How did you ever find such a shirt, I do love it. For everyone the shirt is black with "Lass Mich In Ruhe" written across the chest which in English says "Leave me alone". Did you two get together on these wonderful gifts? Out of everything sitting on my kitchen table that needs opening I happen across both of these, must be some kind of fate working.

Raven and Jeanine if you happen upon this remind me of the gifts when I see you again and I'll surely do something special for you.

The early part of my day was spent shopping for gifts at the mall. Remind me to NEVER again go to the mall on the Saturday before Christmas. I did have some good times, some strange deeds where done and we all got some stares and laughs but all in all I didn't like my morning. Tonight is a Christmas party thrown by one of my closest dearest friends, it should prove to be interesting.

Glücklich Weihnachten

www.cruxshadows.com

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[16 Dec 2004|04:27pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

It makes my heart sing when people do something out of the kindness of their hearts for no other reason than to be nice. That being said I'd like to thank failingbreath for the icons.

I now have an AIM name CXSRogue, not very creative but that's what happens when all the great names were already taken. How many screen names used on AIM do you think are taken? Millions? I'm lucky I got this one.

I'll be on later if all goes well. Now it's time to get myself a paid account, now if Livejournal will let the page load I'll get myself one.

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angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die
[15 Dec 2004|09:44pm]
My very first post and I'm left without words. I think the first thing I should do is set up my journal with the look I want, then get myself a new screen name on AIM, maybe after that fix up my information page with a few more facts.

Off and running.
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